My Husband Is Very, Very Bad in Bed. Do I Deserve to Have an Affair...

My Husband Is Very, Very Bad in Bed. Do I Deserve to Have an Affair and Good Sex for Once?

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 35-year-old married mother of two small children, and I’ve never had good sex. I do not have orgasms from intercourse alone, which I have gathered is not unusual. None of the men I was with when I was single in my 20s were interested in learning about the clitoris. Neither is my husband. I used to think that women who cheated were being ridiculous because the only thing I’ve ever gotten out of sex is ego gratification. Why risk the stability of your marriage and family for something as ephemeral as that?

Recently I’ve begun to think that this may not be all straight women’s experience of sex, and maybe some straight women cheat because they’re having orgasms with their affair partner. I want that. I wonder if it’s really possible. I’ve long assumed that when straight women say they like sex, they’re lying. But what if they’re not? What if I can experience that, too? I want to. Yes, I know about touching myself during sexual encounters—but I don’t think masturbating during sex is very exciting. It’s like tickling myself. Kinda dull.


Yes, I am in marriage counseling—but our marriage counselor is uncomfortable talking about sex. He’s great with helping us communicate better, but he just does not cover that area of things. Yes, I know there is such a thing as a sex counselor, and no, my insurance doesn’t cover any that I’ve been able to find. Yes, I’ve tried to teach my husband where my clitoris is. We’ve been married for five years, and he cannot be dissuaded from thinking it’s my urethra, which, ow. Yes, I’ve tried teaching my husband to touch me gently, but anytime he tries, it’s not only NOT my clitoris, but it’s also way too rough. He will not learn.

My question is whether all men are like this—because in my dating life, they all were—or whether it’s worth it to try to have an affair. For me, sex has always been all risk and no reward. I have become deeply cynical in this area. But there is a little tiny sprig of hope that makes me wonder: What if there is a reward to be had? What if some straight men are interested in the clitoris and understand how to operate it? What if I can have an orgasm with someone else before I die? That reward would be worth the risk.


—Cynical Cindy

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Dear Cynical Cindy,

I’m not going to condone cheating.

I imagine you’re frustrated. You’ve tried to communicate to your husband about how and where you like to be touched, and you aren’t getting the results you want. You’re wondering if everyone else is having a great time coming all over the place, and maybe feeling a bit left out. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time go of it.

A couple things to consider: Communication skills do generalize. What I mean here is that better communication in other aspects of your relationship should make it easier to communicate about sex, too. Apply what you’re learning in therapy to build a better sex life. You might get somewhere. You also haven’t mentioned the open option at all. Do you have a kink for subterfuge? Have you already discussed opening up the marriage and gotten a hard no? Or maybe it simply didn’t occur to you? Open arrangements may be a tall order in many marriages, but they can be a great way of navigating sexual mismatches in established relationships. Because, after all, you do have kids and stability to think about, and you don’t mention wanting to leave.

But mostly I’m concerned about the way you seem to be outsourcing your pleasure. Your pleasure is your responsibility. If you want to have mind-blowing sex, you’re going to need to be able to tell people exactly what to do to you, for how long, and with how much pressure. Masturbation is one of the easiest ways to learn what you like. I find it difficult to assume that you’ve tried all the techniques and toys and still feel like you’re tickling yourself, even during sex. Read some Betty Dodson and some Barbara Carrellas. Take charge of your own orgasm.

To try (again) to tackle your husband’s reputed lack of ability to find the clitoris, you can do the gentle thing, go for the nuclear option, or something in between. You can keep repositioning his finger, or moving around on his face, to get the right spot. Or you can tell him you’re so frustrated you’ve considered cheating, and he needs to get with the program. (That’s the nuclear option.) You’ll have to decide for yourself which move is the best for your situation.

To directly answer your question, yes, many men (and women, and nonbinary people) are capable of using gentle touch and finding their partner’s clitoris. It’s likely still possible for your husband to become one of them.

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from Human Interest - Slate Magazine